Madhatters probes with another investigative outing. "Love - is it all it's cracked up to be"?

In the beginning there was man and he lived in a garden. It was a bloody big garden too, one which contained a tree and a few other hapless saplings. And from that tree there came an apple of such enormous ripeness, that people came from all around to admire its hue.

Well two people to be precise - Adam and Eve, allegedly - and from this wholly holy fruit came forward the idea that man and wife should consummate a blissful and holy alliance and stay asunder for ever. That was the theory anyway.

And yet how mighty the slings and arrows of our time have cleft the once pure head of the sacred vow. How chipped away from the fragrant ideals that once were, the timeless spatterings of thin wispy, minty chips, that lay strewn around, like a box of green matchmakers. Or in the words of another, aka Simon Hopes, "Marriage is for life, not just for Christmas. However this statement is interchangeable".

Madhatters has seen its fair share of heartaches and trauma, not unusual statistically speaking for a medium to large sized group of ex-Drama students who spent their time at Hatfield you may say. True, but perhaps not even stranger still, more have committed of recent time to become full time or professional partners (not that that implies they get paid for it or anything) and tread the windy way down the path of true lovage into a hot steamy bed of engagement.

So the following mentionees that are about to be divulged are now officially 'off the available rosta' - most likely never again to feature on one of those highly embarrassing and mostly improbable snog lists from cast parties gone by (although we hear that Alex McKinvern may still be available).

And true, perhaps these people may never again be found snogging in the coffin next to the props cupboard, or throwing up in the piano, or even crying in the dressing room, but they are on their way to a better place. One where all the signposts are made of chocolate and the cars taste of marshmallow. And where you can still buy packets of Space Dust.GETTING HITCHED

The potential wedding and engagement type scenarios laid before you are real. On no account should you try at home to emulate them without adult supervision. These people have all worked very hard to get to where they are now, but hey, Love - ain't it the sweetest thing!?

Josie and Sion. Finally you cry! The Josie and Sion thing along with Bruce and Jane (who were married this October) has been one of the great bastions of Drama relationships and we really wouldn't have accepted anything other than their engagement, which happened earlier in October, from the plucky pair.

Meanwhile, Sam Roach and his new found lover Christie met whilst de-coking spark plugs on an RS Cosworth. The wedding is set to be quite a Fiesta, with Christie being Escorted to the church by her father. Sam's Gran ada turn when she heard the news, "I just Kan't believe it she proclaimed". Cor, Tina will be over the moon too, she added. "He was always a bit of a Maverick our Sam". Rumours that Sam has invited a whole Galaxy of celebrities to the do are being Explorered. Meanwhile the couple have brought a new house in St. Albans at a price they could just about afFord. Lets hope they have a good Probe on their wedding night in the sunny island of Capri.

Helen Balls & Chris who are doing the engagement dance are set to marry next year with - it has to be said - a fair old degree of style. They are jetting out to sunnier climes, getting married on the beach or something and having a reception back in Blighty for friends.

As already reported in the sticky pages of the last newsletter, Mike and Meg couldn't wait to get married. But erring on the cautious side for the present decided to give themselves a 2 year stop gap with more than enough leeway for a handy get out clause - if necessary. However since Mike has just sold his motorbike to buy some double glazing expect the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon. And I'll wager a new shed isn't far off either. Currently booking at August 21st 1999.

Anne Louise got engaged earlier this year to her long standing boyfriend, ROBIN - who, incidentally is now able to sit down. The couple also living in the free love zone of St. Albans are set to buy a place shortly, the wedding itself to take place at the beginning of August 1998, allegedly. Harv is rumoured to have hung up her hot puds for good, however Madhatters would always welcome a new season of Harv-Culinary collaborations. Keep posted.

Belch, for those who remember went out with Hayley for ages, but the couple changed tack, spliced the mainbrace and chartered new continents. Our plucky PC meanwhile, never one to hang about was first in with the news of a shock engagement.

MRWild, who lets face it hasn't been that successful on the marriage front, was on the plow end of another marriage termination. However, Dave who has slimmed down, toned-up was remarkably together about it all. He is set to right a novel, make a film of his life and repent all his sins. This however remains to be seen and don't say we didn't warn you if by 2010, Dave is living in Hollywood being sued by 10 ex-wives for danger money.

Lynne Digby, on the other hand, who played "Go to hell Kitty" in Chicago was married a few months ago - that's all we know. Ken, John and Nick Wiggins were present.

A GAME OF TWO HALVES?

Marriage can in many respects draw parallels with Football in that it is a game of two halves. The first half sees penetration in the box. However, the half time oranges can come all to early and leave you with a second half deficit (but a nice, fruity tangy aftertaste). If the referee is not on your side though all the decisions can go against you and before you know it, you've filled your boots, spent your wad and have got nothing left to give the manager.

For those who feel this tale has no point, or even a tale, we would like to assure that it is offered with a light hearted jest. Heed thee however the words of the Vicar at Jane and Bruce's wedding. "The strongest relationships are built on pillars of stone". Or was it the strongest structures? Anyway, "a marriage is like those pillars and should be forged apart, or put together, or something". I guess he meant that if you are structurally supporting pillars it's best to leave a gap between you or your house will fall down. It all sounded very good though.

Our sympathy goes out to those who have split in the past and our greatest hope to those who are joined or to be joined or who are joining. In the words of Gina G. "Ooh, aah just a little bit, Ooh, aah, a little bit more. Ooh, aah just a little bit, You know what I'm looking for".