Opening said publication and turning to a glossy page 58 illustrates the plucky couple flagrantly using a pool in the Villa Planida complex at Lanzarote. Elsewhere on the page they can be found looking out over a balcony with absolutely no concern for their own safety - or anyone elses for that matter - at the Villa Xiana.

If all this sounds like Liz and Simon have hit the big time, their agent would like it know that, *The couple are now available for hire at very attractive rates. Why not call now for further details. All jobs considered - clothes catalogues, village fetes, corporate functions, supermarket openings and cockfights".