Do you remember the days, when a pint of milk was tuppence, you had a handle on the front of your car to start it in the morning (if you were lucky enough to have a car that isÉ I had to walk twenty miles to school, with a sack of coal on my back, wearing clogs that had been handed down by my big sister) and everyone in the playground had purple iodine splashes on their foreheads? No? Well I do, so bugger off!

Things are so different these days; take New Labour, for instance É ("I wish someone would") whatever happened to that nice Mr Wilson chap? This namby-pamby "Tony" bloke, with his lady's hairdo & sickly smile, is a ravin' poof. Never trust a man who doesn't smoke 'Bruno' and wear tartan slippers in public, that's what I say.

Talking of poofs, I didn't fight the Great War so that Glenn Hoddle could lead the England Football Team back into that Frog-infested World Cup '98 thing. Come to think of it É I didn't fight the Great War at all, or did I? ... eh, my memory does play tricks on me these days (good job I can still remember how good looking & popular I was when I was younger eh?!).

As I was saying, footballers these days are all a load of woofters; they seem more interested in their poncy designer shirts & Spicy girlfriends than kicking the opposition's nuts and calling the referee a wanker. I'm sure these foreign players think the 3-4-3 system is some sort of sexual position, and as for 'wingbacks', well, that Claire Rayner woman seems to think you stick em inside your knickers - ha they should be so lucky!

My grandson came to see me the other day; he was showing off with one of these electronic abacus-type things he'd just bought Ð kids these days have got more money than sense. Actually, it was all a bit worrying; he said he was getting into net stockings of all things. I'm a bit surprised at that mum of his too - she's bought him something called a seedy romp and a floppy! No wonder he's started complaining about lack of memory É it'll be his eyesight next (at least that was what my mum always told me!). I told my son that woman's family was from the wrong side of the street; he should have married Lydia É nice girl, pots of money & huge knockers.

Anyway, I can't sit around here chatting all day Ð I've got to get to the chemists later, to pick up some more denture glueÉ gawd, the price they charge, it's absolutely criminal, but at least it keeps me choppers in place. I think I might see about some of those new-fangled incontinence pads while I'm there; I'm getting a bit fed up of sitting in soggy long-johns all day, & I'm getting sick of using newspaper Ð it leaves pictures of Melinda Messenger all over me bum (they're no good there are they É I can't see her lovely-jubbly assets without a mirror!)

Now BUGGER OFF, my home help will be around in a minute to give me bed bath!!